Friday, April 06, 2007
Does AARP Also Employ People Over 50?
Because, you know, maybe that would explain the letter I got in the mail this week. If you're not familiar with it, AARP is the American Association for Retired Persons. It is for people over the age of fifty and is devoted to "enhancing quality of life for all as we age" and "leading positive social change and delivering value to people age 50."
Terrific.
This week, I got the following letter (as usual, the real text is in italics, followed by my incisive wit):
Dear J Money,
For the record, they actually have my real name. First and last. This is odd. Maybe they want me to donate to the old people, seeing as how my own parents are eligible. A smart tactic, really.
Our records show you haven't yet registered for the benefits of AARP membership,
Well, of course I haven't. I'm 31 years old.
even though you are fully eligible.
Wait, what? I am? How long was I asleep? What year is it?
If you have already sent in your registration, please excuse this notice.
This notice that just unceremoniously aged me by 19 years.
If not, I urge you to register now so you may start enjoying AARP benefits and services with no further delay.
Like discounted movies? Cheaper bus tickets?
As a member, you'll have the resources and information you need to get the most out of life over 50.
Fantastic. I can't wait to enjoy life over fifty. In twenty years. Idiots.
It says other things but I'm not interested in transcribing them. On the back are 22 benefits of being an AARP member, including:
AARP representing member interests by confronting age discrimination be employers
Reasonably priced long-term care insurance
Really long term in my case.
An AARP safe driving course.
I know how to shut off my blinkers, thank you. (My problem is actually turning them on in the first place.)
Save on shoes, gifts, videos, other products.
What? I'm struggling to understand how those are related. Shoes, gifts, videos, other products. Like what? Aluminum baseball bats, light bulbs, dental floss, karaoke machines, diapers and hamburgers? They're about as related.
With the letter was a card with my name imprinted on it and everything. I can register for one year for just $12.50. I'm seriously tempted to do it. But then they'll forever think I'm over 50 and I won't be able to get rid of them. Imagine how they're write letters to me in 30 years when I'm actually 61 but they think I'm 80+.
Terrific.
This week, I got the following letter (as usual, the real text is in italics, followed by my incisive wit):
Dear J Money,
For the record, they actually have my real name. First and last. This is odd. Maybe they want me to donate to the old people, seeing as how my own parents are eligible. A smart tactic, really.
Our records show you haven't yet registered for the benefits of AARP membership,
Well, of course I haven't. I'm 31 years old.
even though you are fully eligible.
Wait, what? I am? How long was I asleep? What year is it?
If you have already sent in your registration, please excuse this notice.
This notice that just unceremoniously aged me by 19 years.
If not, I urge you to register now so you may start enjoying AARP benefits and services with no further delay.
Like discounted movies? Cheaper bus tickets?
As a member, you'll have the resources and information you need to get the most out of life over 50.
Fantastic. I can't wait to enjoy life over fifty. In twenty years. Idiots.
It says other things but I'm not interested in transcribing them. On the back are 22 benefits of being an AARP member, including:
AARP representing member interests by confronting age discrimination be employers
Reasonably priced long-term care insurance
Really long term in my case.
An AARP safe driving course.
I know how to shut off my blinkers, thank you. (My problem is actually turning them on in the first place.)
Save on shoes, gifts, videos, other products.
What? I'm struggling to understand how those are related. Shoes, gifts, videos, other products. Like what? Aluminum baseball bats, light bulbs, dental floss, karaoke machines, diapers and hamburgers? They're about as related.
With the letter was a card with my name imprinted on it and everything. I can register for one year for just $12.50. I'm seriously tempted to do it. But then they'll forever think I'm over 50 and I won't be able to get rid of them. Imagine how they're write letters to me in 30 years when I'm actually 61 but they think I'm 80+.
Labels: AARP, aluminum baseball bats, senile fact-checkers
