Tuesday, March 06, 2007
Using A Gun That Shoots Gifts
As you may or may not know, I'm getting married. Part of this glorious process involved getting presents. Sure, everyone loves presents but it's odd (to me, at least) to create a very defined and specific list of things you want and then share that list with everybody.
The only other time in your life when you can get away with this is while you believe in Santa Claus. So from age 8 or whatever up until you're engaged, these rules do not apply and then, suddenly, it's like Christmas 1979 all over again.
My darling Watersyne and I went through the bulk of the registering process back in January and, for the most part, it was fun. The first day was spent at Bed, Bath & Beyond and, I'm not gonna lie to you, the fun part was the scanner gun. Amazingly, she let me handle the gun while she manned a list of "suggested items." I'm not quite sure how they have a standard set of suggested items when they don't know how old people are. I mean, if you're living at home and are 22 and are getting married, you definitely need everything on the list. But I'm 31 years old. I've got a fuckin' spatula.
Nevertheless, not only do they give you suggested items, they automatically add something like twenty kitchen items to your registry because "they're things everybody needs." Really? What if Rachel Ray goes to register there? Do they assume she's never used a large plastic spoon before?
So we set out in the Westchester store because it's huge. I mean, it's HUGE. Ginormous in fact. We started with silverware and, if you know my fiancee at all, you know how indecisive she can be. Starting off with silverware wasn't a good idea. So we moved on to easier things.
Things were going well and, honestly, it does take a while to get comfortable scanning items onto our registry. You feel like it's such a definitive decision as it's electronically added to your wish list. But I got loosened up and before long, I wasn't even waiting for approval to scan things.
"Hey, look, a glassware set..." Watersyne would begin to say.
"Beep," the scanner would say, followed by me moving on to the next aisle.
At one point we came across bottled water. Beep, beep, beep.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"Hell, they're 59 cents each! This is a steal. Plus we'll probably be thirsty one day."
"Remove them."
I pouted but obliged.
Later on, we were in the kitchenware aisle. For a long time. Watersyne really likes kitchen stuff so I don't think she wanted to leave. And then a couple of weird-looking people walked in and I got a fun idea. I went to the spot where the kitchen timers were hanging on hooks and I went to work.
I set one for twelve minutes. Then another for thirteen minutes. I was up to sixteen when Watersyne caught me.
I figured this accomplished several things:
The only other time in your life when you can get away with this is while you believe in Santa Claus. So from age 8 or whatever up until you're engaged, these rules do not apply and then, suddenly, it's like Christmas 1979 all over again.
My darling Watersyne and I went through the bulk of the registering process back in January and, for the most part, it was fun. The first day was spent at Bed, Bath & Beyond and, I'm not gonna lie to you, the fun part was the scanner gun. Amazingly, she let me handle the gun while she manned a list of "suggested items." I'm not quite sure how they have a standard set of suggested items when they don't know how old people are. I mean, if you're living at home and are 22 and are getting married, you definitely need everything on the list. But I'm 31 years old. I've got a fuckin' spatula.
Nevertheless, not only do they give you suggested items, they automatically add something like twenty kitchen items to your registry because "they're things everybody needs." Really? What if Rachel Ray goes to register there? Do they assume she's never used a large plastic spoon before?
So we set out in the Westchester store because it's huge. I mean, it's HUGE. Ginormous in fact. We started with silverware and, if you know my fiancee at all, you know how indecisive she can be. Starting off with silverware wasn't a good idea. So we moved on to easier things.
Things were going well and, honestly, it does take a while to get comfortable scanning items onto our registry. You feel like it's such a definitive decision as it's electronically added to your wish list. But I got loosened up and before long, I wasn't even waiting for approval to scan things.
"Hey, look, a glassware set..." Watersyne would begin to say.
"Beep," the scanner would say, followed by me moving on to the next aisle.
At one point we came across bottled water. Beep, beep, beep.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"Hell, they're 59 cents each! This is a steal. Plus we'll probably be thirsty one day."
"Remove them."
I pouted but obliged.
Later on, we were in the kitchenware aisle. For a long time. Watersyne really likes kitchen stuff so I don't think she wanted to leave. And then a couple of weird-looking people walked in and I got a fun idea. I went to the spot where the kitchen timers were hanging on hooks and I went to work.
I set one for twelve minutes. Then another for thirteen minutes. I was up to sixteen when Watersyne caught me.
I figured this accomplished several things:
- Watersyne hates to be publicly embarrassed (so why she's marrying me I do not know), so this would hasten our departure from the kitchenwares area.
- It would startle the weird, hillbilly people (one of which had a sleeveless shirt on in January and dark sunglasses...inside).
- It would amuse me.
We were a few aisles away when the ringing began. And it was fun to pretend we had no idea what was going on.
Usually, I really don't have any idea what's going on.
Labels: horseshoes, pranks, shopping, wedding
