NotTheRock Musings

Well, American Heritage Dictionaries has released a list of 100 words (well, actually they did this back in June but I never finished this post) that every person graduating high school this month should know. It also takes a little dig at the parents of this generation by saying that the parents should know these words, too. Well, okay then.

I looked over the words and, well, I'm not communications expert but some of them are kind of tough. Wait, no... I am a communications expert. And I'm fairly sure the majority of high school graduates in this or any other year would have a tough time accurate defining even half of these words. Don't get me wrong, though: they're good words to know.

As a public service, I'm going to provide a definition to each one of them here. These definitions may or may not be as precise as American Heritage Dictionaries would like.

abjure - something to do with my abs

abrogate - a gate through which a man of color walks.

abstemious - where my abs grow from

acumen - accurate males.

antebellum - the opposite of a bellum.

auspicious - even higher than "delicious" when complimenting your mother-in-law's cooking.

belie - another word for your stomach.

bellicose - as close to something as your belly is to you.

bowdlerize - to make people want to bow to you.

chicanery - acting like a chicken.

chromosome - some amount of chrome.

churlish - sort of curly.

circumlocution - electrocution in a circle.

circumnavigate - reading a map in difficult circumstances.

deciduous - something that needs to be decided.

deleterious - acting like a runaway delete key with a mind of its own.

diffident - not the same.

enervate - to enable nerves.

enfranchise - to award a city a sports franchise.

epiphany - Similar to "Tiffany" in the 80s, a name for girls you want to grow up to be strippers.

equinox - two oxen of the same size.

euro - one of the Disneys.

evanescent - shitty euro-band.

expurgate - vomit.

facetious - very much about faces.

fatuous - proper spelling of "fatass."

feckless - without freckles.

fiduciary - one who employs douchebags.

filibuster - a bomb that blows up Philadelphia.

gamete - small legs.

gauche - like quiche, only tastier.

gerrymander - Gerry Mander, a guy I went to elementary school with.

hegemony - the cost for having landscaping done.

hemoglobin - globetrotting.

homogeneous - smart and gay.

hubris - a spice similar to paprika.

hypotenuse - ten very hyper uses for something.

impeach - a peach's evil twin.

incognito - within a cognito.

incontrovertible - a convertible automobile where the top no longer works.

inculcate - the opposite of calculate.

infrastructure - opposite of outfrastructure.

interpolate - precedes a description of what the guys at Interpol ate for lunch.

irony - metally.

jejune - stammering when naming this month.

kinetic - ethics of your kinfolk.

kowtow - dragging a cow on a trailer.

laissez faire - French for "let's fart."

lexicon - a six-way sexual encounter.

loquacious - a person made entirely of liquid.

lugubrious - heavy.

metamorphosis - to become a member of the New York Mets.

mitosis - what you say before you describe what your toes is. (ex. "My toes is itchy.")

moiety - between wet and moist.

nanotechnology - how my iPod works.

nihilism - being like a guy named Neil.

nomenclature - a women-only pottery class.

nonsectarian - no secretaries allowed.

notarize - when you want to show off how pretty your eyes are, you say this.

obsequious - SO obvious.

oligarchy - a salad dressing.

omnipotent - the highest sperm count in your graduating class.

orthography - the class you take after Geography.

oxidize - to make someone strong as an Ox.

parabola - two bolas.

paradigm - two dimes.

parameter - two meters.

pecuniary - more strange than "peculiar."

photosynthesis - taking pictures at the same time as someone else.

plagiarize - to frequent someplace.

plasma - a kind of TV.

polymer - many mers.

precipitous - raining.

quasar - a TV brand.

quotidian - someone you can quote.

recapitulate - to capitulate again.

reciprocal - to ciprocal again.

reparation - to parate again.

respiration - to spirit again.

sanguine - North of San Diego.

soliloquy - A good name for a hooker.

subjugate - to make two jugates.

suffragist - someone who enjoys suffering.

supercilious - very, very silly.

tautology - the science of being taught.

taxonomy - the art of cheating on your taxes.

tectonic - technical mixed drink with tonic water.

tempestuous - very tempting.

thermodynamics - a really cool (dynamic) Thermos.

totalitarian - completely.

unctuous - someone who used to be rambunctious but isn't anymore.

usurp - to vomit.

vacuous - very raucous.

vehement - exhale furiously.

vortex - how to enter the Matrix.

winnow - an upside-down minnow.

wrought - a kind of iron fence.

xenophobe - someone afraid of xylephones.

yeoman - the way to holler to a buddy who is walking by.

ziggurat - an expert in Zagat ratings.

Labels: amusing myself so

Once you get married, then comes all the fun things about being married that you never knew existed. Like getting phone calls in the middle of the day from your rather stressed-out wife.

Today was like any other day here... I was busily churning out widgets or whatever it is I do here... and my phone rings. It's my wife and the first thing she does is tell me about her mood.

"I'm in a terrible mood," she announces.

"Well, terrific," I cautiously respond. "I can't wait to see you later, then."

Why is she in this mood? Well, for one thing, she's packing up the remainder of her things from her apartment and bringing them to our house. And it's pouring out today.

"This weather is ridiculous," she informs me.

Yes, indeed. Who can we talk to about that?

But this isn't the best part of what's aggravating her. No, the best part is that while she had the door to her upstairs apartment's sunroom propped open (to bring things to the car), a bird flew in the door, up the stairs and was now loose in her sunroom. The sunroom, it should be noted, has windows on three sides. She informs me that she and her mom cannot get the bird out.

"Well, have you opened the windows?" I asked.

"We opened one, but he won't go to it."

I do like the innocent nature of my wife. I think it's cute that she thinks animals are like the ones in Disney movies, with coherent, rational thoughts and the ability to reason. The only problem with looking at animals like this is that you end up in these situations where you can't figure out why the bird doesn't a) go out the one lone window you opened for him, or b) go back down the stairs and out the door.

"Honey, the bird can't tell which window is open. That's why they fly into glass all the time," I try to explain.

I continued, heading her off, "And he's not going to fly down the staircase he flew up because he's not smart enough to think of that."

"Well, yeah," she answers, "My mom was trying to call him to get him to go that way... saying, 'Here, birdie, birdie, birdie.'"

Her mom, I should mention, works a lot of overnight shifts and doesn't sleep enough.

When I asked why they didn't just open all the windows to increase their odds, she told me she was afraid he might attack her. Unless it was a hawk or something, I didn't think that was likely and I asked what kind of bird it was.

"A small bird," was the country girl's reply.

She then told me about how she tried to spook it back in the direction of the aforementioned door (at the bottom of a flight of stairs) by putting a box on her head and using a broom, but she freaked and tripped over a dishwasher that was recently delivered and sitting on the porch.

I wished I could have seen this play out, with my wife flailing at a tiny bird with a box on her head while her mom shrieked in the doorway.

High comedy.

Labels: amusing animal cruelty, birds, boxes as helmets

Yes, I took a month off from my personal blogsite/lifejournal/shrink-alternative. And I didn't tell you about it. I'm a bad, bad host. So be it. Of course, for the three people who regularly read this site, I think you were all present at the glorious event last month that caused me to unplug from this and plug into something (someone) else.

I got married a few weeks ago and then spent eleven glorious days in the fiftieth state (that's Hawaii, for those of you who didn't pay attention in Social Studies). We then flew back directly to Maryland for another wedding in which I got to be a handsome groomsman. We're now back in the motherland and in the process of moving my wife into my teeny, tiny house. Since she's not completely moved in yet, she has had spend a couple of nights at her old apartment without me so she can make the most of her time packing. So there have been a couple of days of feeling like we're back in the dating phase, talking on the phone at night and going to bed without each other. I don't especially like this, although I can watch the 2 AM Sportscenter at any volume I choose (or, in last night's case, a WWII kamikazee show on the History Channel) and not worry about disturbing anyone. I can also pass gas and scratch my balls as liberally as I choose. Oh, wait, I'm married now. I can do those things anyway. And she still has to have sex with me. By law, or something.

So yeah, I'm back. And I hope to be back on the more regular posting schedule. We even may be investing in a new home computer so when you couple that with my current state of serious insomnia, you might have more posts that you could ever want to read. Of course, one post from me could be more than you'd ever want to read, too, but that's neither here nor there.

Labels: I'm back bitches, nonsensical posts, sabbatical, scratching one's balls