Friday, April 25, 2008
Our Dog, Houdini
Yes, she's an escape artist.
When we brought her home, and she was tiny, we set up an old cabinet door across the opening of our kitchen so we could keep her contained. My parents keep a 60 pound Irish Setter and a 20 pound Cavalier contained with even less blockage than that. So we figured we were fine.
On her first full day with us, she decided she wanted to get to Watersyne and hopped up and scrambled over the blockade. Fantastic.
So we went out and purchased a legit baby gate, with the twisty pressure mounting so it would stay firmly in place. And it's a good thing, too, because Maya crashed into it at full speed several times, testing her boundaries. We'd be in the living room and hear, scurry-scurry-scurry CRASH! The little mutha was trying to knock it over.
She's been getting bigger in a hurry and her leg springiness is ever-increasing. The dog can seemingly just levitate off the ground from a standstill -- it's incredible. She's at that perfect age where she's got young little legs with strong muscles and she's still only 8 pounds so she's able to hurtle herself into orbit at her whim.
So naturally, she's now figured out how to get past the damn baby gate. Mind you, I have trouble getting past the baby gate, frequently catching my foot on it and tumbling into the kitchen. But Maya has now gotten springy enough -- and wise enough -- to simply run up to the gate and spring herself up so that she can grab her front paws onto the railing. She then scrambles with her rear legs and gets over the damn gate. Incredible.
But that's not all.
We put her in doggie day care yesterday b/c Watersyne was traveling and I was at work. Well, 45 mins after leaving her we get a call from a laughing employee to tell us that she's escaped from the holding area they put the dogs in day care! It's surrounded by a metal fence that must be over four feet high. She someone has found a corner where there's a brick/cement wall on the other side of the fence, and she's used that to get traction, then up the fence she goes and then slips out the top and is free as a bird.
I imagine we'll start getting charged more as she teaches the other dogs -- many of which are bigger than her, don't forget -- how to do this. If she ever learns how to open the pens of the dogs that are in their little pod areas, then we'll know the animal revolution is upon us.
Video of our magician will be up soon and I will share.
When we brought her home, and she was tiny, we set up an old cabinet door across the opening of our kitchen so we could keep her contained. My parents keep a 60 pound Irish Setter and a 20 pound Cavalier contained with even less blockage than that. So we figured we were fine.
On her first full day with us, she decided she wanted to get to Watersyne and hopped up and scrambled over the blockade. Fantastic.
So we went out and purchased a legit baby gate, with the twisty pressure mounting so it would stay firmly in place. And it's a good thing, too, because Maya crashed into it at full speed several times, testing her boundaries. We'd be in the living room and hear, scurry-scurry-scurry CRASH! The little mutha was trying to knock it over.
She's been getting bigger in a hurry and her leg springiness is ever-increasing. The dog can seemingly just levitate off the ground from a standstill -- it's incredible. She's at that perfect age where she's got young little legs with strong muscles and she's still only 8 pounds so she's able to hurtle herself into orbit at her whim.
So naturally, she's now figured out how to get past the damn baby gate. Mind you, I have trouble getting past the baby gate, frequently catching my foot on it and tumbling into the kitchen. But Maya has now gotten springy enough -- and wise enough -- to simply run up to the gate and spring herself up so that she can grab her front paws onto the railing. She then scrambles with her rear legs and gets over the damn gate. Incredible.
But that's not all.
We put her in doggie day care yesterday b/c Watersyne was traveling and I was at work. Well, 45 mins after leaving her we get a call from a laughing employee to tell us that she's escaped from the holding area they put the dogs in day care! It's surrounded by a metal fence that must be over four feet high. She someone has found a corner where there's a brick/cement wall on the other side of the fence, and she's used that to get traction, then up the fence she goes and then slips out the top and is free as a bird.
I imagine we'll start getting charged more as she teaches the other dogs -- many of which are bigger than her, don't forget -- how to do this. If she ever learns how to open the pens of the dogs that are in their little pod areas, then we'll know the animal revolution is upon us.
Video of our magician will be up soon and I will share.
Labels: doggies, escape artists, Maya
Monday, April 14, 2008
J vs.The Cheese Danish
[J enters office kitchen]
Cheese Danish: Heyyyyy!!! There's my boy! How ya doin'?
J Money: Leave me alone, Cheese Danish. You're not winning today. I just got up here from the gym.
CD: Sure, sure... I understand. Good for you, buddy.
JM: Don't mess with me today, Cheese Danish. I know your tricks.
CD: No, no tricks... Getting some coffee, I see... mmm, you know what goes good with coffee? Me.
JM: Dammit, I knew it. Leave me alone, Cheese Danish!
CD: Ohhh, but we were meant to be together. You and me, fat guy and cheese danish.
JM: Screw you. [pause] You do look delicious, though.
CD: Oh, yeah... and I'm only 70 cents. And I bet the Combos in here that I would get selected first. Come on, buddy... help me out.
JM: You guys bet on who gets eaten first?
CD: Yeah, to pass the time on weekends.
JM: Do you ever bet against the gum?
CD: The gum? Seriously, have you ever seen someone buy chewing gum out of a vending machine like this? Use your f-cking head, J.
JM: Hey, take it easy, you congealed, month-old pastry.
CD: I know, I know... I get a little wound up sometimes... but look at me... I'm deliciously naughty. Just look... come onnnnn... loooook over heeeerre.
JM: I know... the combination of sticky, who-knows-how-old cheese that's been under a light in a dusty vending machine for several weeks is somehow strangely allurring to me... and I just cannot ever figure out why. But no! I went to the gym! The few calories I actually burned will be used up by half of you!
CD: But think how happy you will be as you eat me... you know you want to... fatty.
JM: Grrr. Screw you. I'm getting my coffee and leaving.
CD: No! Wait! Come back! Noooooooooooooo! I miss you! We belong together!
[J leaves room]
CD: Arrrrgh...
CD: Hey, Snickers Bar, you feeling lucky? 2-to-1 I go before breakfast tomorrow.
Cheese Danish: Heyyyyy!!! There's my boy! How ya doin'?
J Money: Leave me alone, Cheese Danish. You're not winning today. I just got up here from the gym.
CD: Sure, sure... I understand. Good for you, buddy.
JM: Don't mess with me today, Cheese Danish. I know your tricks.
CD: No, no tricks... Getting some coffee, I see... mmm, you know what goes good with coffee? Me.
JM: Dammit, I knew it. Leave me alone, Cheese Danish!
CD: Ohhh, but we were meant to be together. You and me, fat guy and cheese danish.
JM: Screw you. [pause] You do look delicious, though.
CD: Oh, yeah... and I'm only 70 cents. And I bet the Combos in here that I would get selected first. Come on, buddy... help me out.
JM: You guys bet on who gets eaten first?
CD: Yeah, to pass the time on weekends.
JM: Do you ever bet against the gum?
CD: The gum? Seriously, have you ever seen someone buy chewing gum out of a vending machine like this? Use your f-cking head, J.
JM: Hey, take it easy, you congealed, month-old pastry.
CD: I know, I know... I get a little wound up sometimes... but look at me... I'm deliciously naughty. Just look... come onnnnn... loooook over heeeerre.
JM: I know... the combination of sticky, who-knows-how-old cheese that's been under a light in a dusty vending machine for several weeks is somehow strangely allurring to me... and I just cannot ever figure out why. But no! I went to the gym! The few calories I actually burned will be used up by half of you!CD: But think how happy you will be as you eat me... you know you want to... fatty.
JM: Grrr. Screw you. I'm getting my coffee and leaving.
CD: No! Wait! Come back! Noooooooooooooo! I miss you! We belong together!
[J leaves room]
CD: Arrrrgh...
CD: Hey, Snickers Bar, you feeling lucky? 2-to-1 I go before breakfast tomorrow.
Labels: fatness
Friday, April 11, 2008
Ode To Fatness
I went back to the gym this morning.
It was the first time I've officially worked out in a gym since I was laughingly preparing for my wedding by going to the gym to be in shape for my Hawaiian honeymoon. What? You didn't realize I did that? You don't remember me going all the time and getting trim and fit and devastatingly handsome to wow the polynesian ladies of Maui?
Yeah, I don't remember it, either. But I'd say it's been roughly a year since a set foot in a gym.
I had to hitch a ride in to work today with a friend of mine here and he goes in at ungodly-early hours to work out at a gym connected to our office building. So I decided I was officially out of excuses and that I should just go with him and work out. Rather than, you know, pretend he was just giving me a ride in and that getting to my desk at 6:45 AM was normal.
I remember the sensation of working out... and it kind of sucks. And I only feel really good about it during the hour or so after I shower and head into the office. I feel energized, I don't feel like a slug and I feel productive and focused. And then, a short time later, my body remembers that I got up at 5:30 in the morning.
I'm certainly not "old" by any means, but a am a decade older than a person I manage... and can a decade make a difference in your ability to do things? Sure. The mind can achieve what the body can concieve? Not necessarily.
I remember pushing myself at the gym back when I actually used to go... maybe 2002 was the last time I went with regularity. And I turned 27 that year. I don't think I necessarily pushed myself real hard this morning, but the sad (very sad) part is that.... well... you know how normally after a hard workout, your body really "feels it" the next day? Well, I felt it by about 11 AM.
My muscles hurt, my legs and arms are achy. I imagine I will need my wife to pull me out of bed tomorrow morning.
I hope to continue with this, though, because, really... being fat is funny sometimes and makes for good jokes when I get together with my co-editors at Boiled Sports... but it's no way to go though life. Dean Wormer told me that.
It was the first time I've officially worked out in a gym since I was laughingly preparing for my wedding by going to the gym to be in shape for my Hawaiian honeymoon. What? You didn't realize I did that? You don't remember me going all the time and getting trim and fit and devastatingly handsome to wow the polynesian ladies of Maui?
Yeah, I don't remember it, either. But I'd say it's been roughly a year since a set foot in a gym.
I had to hitch a ride in to work today with a friend of mine here and he goes in at ungodly-early hours to work out at a gym connected to our office building. So I decided I was officially out of excuses and that I should just go with him and work out. Rather than, you know, pretend he was just giving me a ride in and that getting to my desk at 6:45 AM was normal.
I remember the sensation of working out... and it kind of sucks. And I only feel really good about it during the hour or so after I shower and head into the office. I feel energized, I don't feel like a slug and I feel productive and focused. And then, a short time later, my body remembers that I got up at 5:30 in the morning.
I'm certainly not "old" by any means, but a am a decade older than a person I manage... and can a decade make a difference in your ability to do things? Sure. The mind can achieve what the body can concieve? Not necessarily.
I remember pushing myself at the gym back when I actually used to go... maybe 2002 was the last time I went with regularity. And I turned 27 that year. I don't think I necessarily pushed myself real hard this morning, but the sad (very sad) part is that.... well... you know how normally after a hard workout, your body really "feels it" the next day? Well, I felt it by about 11 AM.
My muscles hurt, my legs and arms are achy. I imagine I will need my wife to pull me out of bed tomorrow morning.
I hope to continue with this, though, because, really... being fat is funny sometimes and makes for good jokes when I get together with my co-editors at Boiled Sports... but it's no way to go though life. Dean Wormer told me that.
Tuesday, April 08, 2008
When Office Life Is Not Mundane
It's sad, but there's such a fear of people flying off the handle and losing it that places don't take chances anymore. Get aggressive on an airplane? Expect to be gang-tackled and tied up with duct tape. Are you a third-grader with a plan to kidnap your teacher? Be ready to be expelled. And so on.
So today, while busily at work in our happy little American business office, a little drama broke out. It, naturally, involved administrative staff, since they are always looking for the drama.
Apparently, one of the admin assistants was not pleased with her job here anymore. She always seemed nice to me and was friendly in our limited interactions. But I guess she was fed up with the way her boss was treating her, because this afternoon she decided to quit and simply said, "You know what, I quit," and began throwing things from her desk into a box.
Of course, her boss had to poke harder: "You're not allowed to take company property." (I figured she was probably taking a stapler or something but was later told she had some kind of company-sensitive material in a folder that she tossed into her box.)
This, of course, led to the quitter telling her boss, "Get the fuck out of my face!"
Whoops.
Never a good idea to respond with vulgar language and aggression. The next step our intreped boss of the secretaries took was to call HR and confirm she could handle this immediately. She did this from an open office near where I sit. Maybe so anyone within earshot could hear... or maybe she just wasn't bright enough to close the door. I don't know.
Next thing I know, though, is we're hearing the squawk of police radios and security and a real, live po-po officer are escorting Miss Poopy Mouth out of the office. One of the scrawny guys in the office actually was hanging around the area, reportedly "in case there was a physical confrontation." Never mind that this guy looks like the admin would beat him up.
So a bit of drama in an otherwise typical office day. Always interesting when people are put into situations they aren't used to.
Back to filling out our TPS reports now.
So today, while busily at work in our happy little American business office, a little drama broke out. It, naturally, involved administrative staff, since they are always looking for the drama.
Apparently, one of the admin assistants was not pleased with her job here anymore. She always seemed nice to me and was friendly in our limited interactions. But I guess she was fed up with the way her boss was treating her, because this afternoon she decided to quit and simply said, "You know what, I quit," and began throwing things from her desk into a box.
Of course, her boss had to poke harder: "You're not allowed to take company property." (I figured she was probably taking a stapler or something but was later told she had some kind of company-sensitive material in a folder that she tossed into her box.)
This, of course, led to the quitter telling her boss, "Get the fuck out of my face!"
Whoops.
Never a good idea to respond with vulgar language and aggression. The next step our intreped boss of the secretaries took was to call HR and confirm she could handle this immediately. She did this from an open office near where I sit. Maybe so anyone within earshot could hear... or maybe she just wasn't bright enough to close the door. I don't know.
Next thing I know, though, is we're hearing the squawk of police radios and security and a real, live po-po officer are escorting Miss Poopy Mouth out of the office. One of the scrawny guys in the office actually was hanging around the area, reportedly "in case there was a physical confrontation." Never mind that this guy looks like the admin would beat him up.
So a bit of drama in an otherwise typical office day. Always interesting when people are put into situations they aren't used to.
Back to filling out our TPS reports now.
Labels: cube life, office drama, police
