NotTheRock Musings

The Rangers finally beat Buffalo yesterday, 2-1 in double overtime, for their first victory against the Sabres in seven tries this season. They had lost four regular season games and then the first two games of this series before finally winning and avoiding going down 0-3 in this series.

The Rangers got robbed on a call earlier in the game when a goal was disallowed that would have made it 2-0 in the second period. Instead, they tried to hold their 1-0 lead and lost it with about seven minutes to play. Then we went to overtime and even Watersyne was on the edge of her seat as she learned what playoff hockey is all about.

It's been while since I saw an overtime playoff game (probably since 1994) in person and I had forgotten how weird it is to have the third period end.... and another intermission to begin. You go out, you pee, you get some more food... and the ice is Zamboni'ed and then they begin another 20-minute period. And then, after the first overtime, there's another intermission, they clean the ice again.... and the scoreboard "Period" indicator clicks to "5" and you wonder how long it might go. This particular game was only three minutes away from heading to a period 6 when it was finally ended. The Garden was quite loud, as you might imagine, with a lot of the cheering being that of relief at still being in the series.

Next game is Tuesday night and with a win we have a brand-new series.

Labels: me taking sports way too seriously, NHL, playoffs, Rangers

Hey, it's the second round of the playoffs and the Rangers are actually still alive! Which means that my predicitions about the East are still subject to major bias. Of course, I did pick them to win their series and win it they did, in dominant fashion. Interestingly (to me, at least), I also picked every other series winner correctly except for one. So 7 for 8 in the first round isn't too bad. Let's see if I know what I'm talking about in the second round.

Western Conference

(1) Detroit Red Wings versus (5) San Jose Sharks - The Red Wings took six games to eliminate the Flamers in the first round but they absolutely dominated the series, outshooting the Flames by more than 20 per game on average. This, coupled with how good San Jose is, is causing many to pick the Sharks for the upset. While I really do think this could happen, I also think Detroit is playing way better than people realize. It'll be a long series and home ice will help. Red Wings in 7.

(2) Anaheim Ducks versus (3) Vancouver Canucks - The Canuckleheads were the only team I had wrong in the first round and they almost proved me right. They had a 3-1 series lead on Dallas and gave it all back and were tied 1-1 in the third period of Game 7 when they finally put it away. Anaheim is a lot better than Dallas. In fact, Anaheim was one of the best teams in the league for most of the season. They'll make quick work of the Canucks but I can see Vancouver goalie Roberto Luongo stealing them a game or two. Ducks in 6.

Eastern Conference

(1) Buffalo Sabres versus (6) New York Rangers - Advantages for New York: the season is now a success, having stormed to the second round; being the underdog makes less pressure on them; they're playing the best hockey they've played all season; Buffalo has that pressure of being expected to win it all. Disadvantages? Buffalo is really, really freakin' good. The Sabres took all four games between the two this season, though three went to overtime and the last one between them was December 1. A lot has changed since then, especially for the Rangers. I swore when things started that I would pick honestly and try to use my brain and not my heart. I do definitely think thre Rangers could win this series and it wouldn't shock me if they took it in 5 or 6 with the way they're playing. However, from what I saw of Buffalo, they're just too fast for almost anyone and I said months ago that the only teams I truly feared in the Eastern Conference were Buffalo and New Jersey. I think the two teams will split the first four games, with each winning one on the other's home ice. And I think it'll come down to the Rangers needing one more home game in this series and they won't have it. Sabres in 7.

(2) New Jersey Devils versus (4) Ottawa Senators - The Devils and Marty Brodeur looked somewhat beatable in the first round, even trailing 2 games to 1 to Tampa. However, Marty got his act together and shut down the Lightning for the next three games. I don't know if he can do that against Ottawa. Much like last year, I think the Devils will lose their edge in the second round and I continue to maintain that Brodeur playing 78 games this season was far too many. The Senators took care of the up-and-coming Penguins in the first round and did so fairly convincingly. Let's hope that gave them some confidence. The only problem is, if Brodeur shuts them out in Game 1 and thoroughly frustrates them, this could all be for nothing and the Devils could then run them over. Still, I don't think it'll happen that way. Senators in 6.

Oh, and from the optimism department, I got my Rangers Stanley Cup Finals ticket invoice yesterday. I guess advancing one round in the playoffs justifies preparing for the Finals. Nothing like jinxing yourselves. And, naturally, the tickets for the Finals would be triple my regular season price.

Naturally, I faxed in my payment info first thing this morning. Hey, you never know.

Labels: me taking sports way too seriously, NHL, playoffs, Rangers

No, I don't mean modern-day criminals of the 21st century -- I mean criminals born in the 21st century. Like in 2000.

Last night, I made it home at about 8:20 PM and noticed as I pulled up that two packages that had been delivered were somewhat ripped open on my front walk. This can't be good, I figured. I then noticed some large rocks in my driveway. Rocks I hadn't left there. Then, as I approached the house, I found a couple of bricks on my front walk and yard. In my mailbox, instead of mail, there was a brick. Either the bricks were attacking or I had been targeted and the United American Bricklayers Association was trying to send me a message.

Somewhere around this time I decided to go back and investigate the garage some more. Sure enough, the side window, which was never what you'd call "quality," was smashed thoroughly and all the lattice was destroyed. I found lots of glass and four rocks in my garage but nothing appeared to be disturbed (except for the window). I also noticed that the flower box below the window was ripped down.

I went into the house and decided I should probably call the police and report this, just so it's on the record. I didn't really care that much about the garage window since it was shitty to begin with but I did care that my mail was apparently gone, which is a federal offense.

As I waited for the police, I went outside again and only now did it begin to occur to me that I should start inspecting the property more throughly. Armed with my maglite, I went around the side of the house and saw that the side basement window over my washer/dryer was destroyed. I continued around the back and came upon my back door. Now, my back door has never been the best. When I bought the house, it was simply a steel and glass storm door that was "locked" by two screwdrivers blocking the frame like a latch. Beyond that door is a little room with my oil tank and my lawn mower. Then there's another door that I keep hooked from the inside. On the other side of that door is my basement.

Well, the back door (the steel and glass storm door) was destroyed. Every piece of glass was smashed out, it was ajar and the next door was also open. A porcelain sink that I was keeping in the basement for potential future use was also smashed to shit with rocks that were still there. I found several more rocks in the basement that had come sailing through the side window, bouncing off my dryer and nicking it up. My original bass guitar had been taken from the middle of the basement and dragged to the back door area. My mail was ripped open, stepped on and left scattered near the back door as well.

The first local officer arrived and I told him what I'd discovered. He was pretty casual until he came around back and saw the state of the back door. When I confirmed I hadn't touched anything and that it was this way when I got home, he got a lot more attentive and immediately asked if anyone was inside the house (i.e., wife, kids, etc.). I confirmed it was just me who lived there and he immediately called for another unit and a detective.

About this time, down on the street that is behind my house (through some small woody area and a steep incline) two young teens were bounding up the street on foot. The officer and I shut off our flashlights and watched them for a minute. As they went into a driveway, he asked if there was an easy way down and said he was going to go check them out. He bolted down there and the kids seemed to disappear. He searched the woods behind the houses on the other side of that street for a while and the other cruiser arrived and went up and down the street with the spotlight lighting up the yards. It was entertaining from my backyard and I was hoping to see these punks busted. I was also hoping I could punch one in the head but that's neither here nor there.

After while, both officers came back to my house, empty-handed. They said they wanted to "clear" my house, standard procedure, I guess, when a perpetrator could conceivably be hiding in my closet. I told them I'd already been in there but they insisted I stay outside and they drew their pistols and went in and thoroughly searched my house.

The detective showed and we walked him through the scene, too, and he said not to touch anything. He took pictures and was going to dust things for prints. He also called for a K-9 unit and, sure enough, here comes a Sherriff's office SUV with a German Shepherd, eager to sniff things out. They went around the neighborhood for a while after getting a scent off my back door area. After a while of the cops huddling two doors down at a neighbor's house, the detective came up and gave me the news.

"Well, we figured out who did it."

"Really?" I asked. "Who?"

"Your two neighbor's have sons... they're both six years old."

The detective looked at me in a odd way. He knew I was pissed at my place being violated like this and he looked pained to have to explain the sadness that it was two six-year-olds who did this.

Another officer approached and said the parents wanted me to come down, if I was willing, and have the kids look me in the eye and apologize to me directly. I decided that this was probably a good idea. The officers also said I didn't have to say much if I didn't want to, since it was their job (and the parents) to scare the shit out of them, which they were all in the process of doing.

At the house, I stood in front of them, with two police officers next to me, and let them say they were sorry. I confirmed they wouldn't do it again and their mothers' prompted them to tell me that they were going to "help me" this Spring/Summer with yardwork, cleanup, etc. I said that sounded good and also decided to make them feel even guiltier by telling them my girlfriend was on the phone crying because she was worried someone had come to hurt me. This definitely made their little heads sink lower and, truth be told, I said this also for the impact on the moms sitting nearby.

When I had entered the room where the kids were being detained, I saw both moms and, as I've said to a few people, man did that bring back flashbacks. Seeing that Angry Mom look... where it's kind of like a cross between mortified and....murderous. Those kids were in deep trouble and the moms were just horrified that their six-year-olds could possibly do such a thing.

The next step was to bring the two fathers up to see the extent of the damage so that they fully understood this wasn't just a broken pane of glass in my garage. They came up and, while they had been apologetic to that point, they were even more embarrassed and saddened when they saw that the kids had actually entered my house. One father said when he went back home to get his tools to help board the windows up, he was almost in tears telling his wife how much damage they had done and seeing him that way pissed his wife off even more and she went back into the room to have another go at the kid again. He said at that point he knew he wasn't needed there for discipline and so he came back over to do the cleanup. I know what he meant. We were all afraid of dads growing up, but when mom truly got angry, you knew you were in deep doo-doo.

They cleaned up all the glass and other debris and we recovered my mail as far as I can tell. The handier of the two guys is actually fixing the windows and door today and, really, that's all that was truly damaged (that and an old, useless sink) so I don't expect much in the way of problems with them making things right. If I do, though, I've got a police report coming to me soon. And on it, there will be the suspects names and vitals. I even heard the officer taking things down from Dad #2:

"And what's his birthdate?"

"Five-nine-two thousand."

Two thousand. 2000! And he's already on a police report. I made sure to point out that they're kind of lucky this wasn't occurring in 5-10 years, because then they'd be old enough that I wouldn't feel the least bit bad about them seeing what the inside of a cell looks like or spending a few nights in juvenile hall.

Criminal mischief, breaking and entering, vandalism.... nice start, kids.

Labels: neighbors, police, six year old criminals, suburbia

Well, last night was awesome again. The Rangers finished off their sweep of the Atlanta Thrashers with a 4-2 victory in a game that was a lot like the first two in that it was close, but different in that the Thrashers actually led. Twice, in fact.

For the first time in a while, I wasn't as nervous as I usually am when watching the Rangers in the playoffs. They had so completely dominated the Thrashers on Tuesday night and the Thrash looked so overmatched that when the game began and the Rangers continued to look focused, I just allowed myself to enjoy the game. Sure, they went down 1-0 and 2-1 but they evened the score both times shortly after falling behind and then scored on a much-reviewed goal two minutes into the third period and that turned out to be the difference.

Over at Boiled Sports, I put up video clips in my post about last night's game. Check 'em out if you're interested. Some good stuff.

Now the Rangers move on to the second round for the first time in ten years and face any of four teams. It's hard to say, since all the other series are still going on and the Rangers are the first team in the playoffs to advance. Man, it's been a while since they looked this good.

I'm obviously still realistic and not expecting a Cup this year. However, in February I wasn't expecting them to make the playoffs. And last week I wasn't expecting them to sweep Atlanta. And last year, I wasn't expecting 8th-seeded Edmonton to make the Finals. So who the hell knows. I do know that I'll be there in a week to ten days, whenever the Rangers next home game is, and I'll be loving it.

Labels: me taking sports way too seriously, NHL, playoffs, Rangers, things that shouldn't take ten years

The Rangers had perhaps their most impressive overall performance ever in a playoff game last night, pummeling the Atlanta Thrashers 7-0 at the Garden and, as you might expect, I was there.

Labels: me taking sports way too seriously, NHL, playoffs, Rangers, tomahawk chop

Have you ever seen a pelican eat a pigeon? Neither had I, until I was checking out Kissing Suzy Kolber last week and they posted the following video:



Yes, that was a pelican breaking ranks with the other peaceful pelicans of the world and simply swallowing a fucking pigeon whole. I can't decide if it's hilarious or extraordinarily disturbing. The way the pigeon was clearly alive as he was eaten is rather...fascinatingly distressing to witness. The damn thing is squawking all the way down and flailing so violently the pelican's jowls are wobbling back and forth rather amusingly.

Can you imagine the pigeon's train of thought?

"Oh look! Bread crumbs! Should I go over there? Are there any predators there? No, just a pelican. Pelicans are friendly, right? Wait, let me think. I'm not a very smart animal but I'm fairly certain pelicans are not aggressive. I think I've seen them eat fish. Yeah, fish. Ooh! Bread crumbs! I'm gonna get me some. Wait, what's this pelican doing...WHAT THE FUCK?? AHHHHHRRRRGGHGHGHGURGLE--"

I bet the other pelicans are pissed that this one rogue pelican blew their cover as attackers completely out of the water. It's now just going to be that much harder for them to rule the animal kingdom and, utimately, us.

Labels: pelicans, pigeons, pigeons eaten by pelicans

Well, it's about damn time. The Rangers took Game One of their first-round series last night against the Atlanta Thrashers 4-3. More importantly, they actually won a playoff game for the first time in almost ten years. Ten freakin' years.

It was May of 1997 and I was still in college. Then they didn't make the playoffs again until last year and then, last year, they got swept and I was at all four games. So last night was the first Rangers playoff game I've watched on TV since May of '97, and I remember watching the game from Harry's Chocolate Shop (note: not actually a chocolate shop) in West Lafayette, Indiana because my new apartment didn't have cable yet.

Some perspective? Well, the Rangers current goaltender, Henrik Lundqvist, was 14 years old. Wayne Gretzky was on the team, playing alongside Mark Messier for their one year together in New York. Oh, and Gretzky was just 36 and still had a couple more years to go.

The Yankees had won only one World Series since 1978; they had yet to go on their three-in-a-row run from '98-'00.

I was 21 years old. I've been to probably 75-100 games in person in between playoff wins.

As though I didn't have enough stress on me watching them in the playoffs, I added some wages to the night. One was whether or not Michael Nylander would have an assist in the game for the Rangers. I was getting good odds and I was confident he would come through...and he did, with one goal and two assists. I also took the "over" on goals scored in all NHL playoff games last night. There were four games and the over/under was 22.5 -- 25 were scored. So yeah, go me.

Game 2 is Saturday afternoon and then Games 3 and 4 are back to back on Tuesday and Wednesday nights at the Garden. You know where I'll be for those.

Labels: gambling, me taking sports way too seriously, playoffs, Rangers, things that shouldn't take ten years

Sure, so nobody who reads my site cares all that much about the NHL playoffs. I do, and that's what matters.

As I've done in years past, I'll be breaking down the NHL playoffs and offering my brilliance on what might happen. Last year, I was not so hot but in other years, I've gotten the finals teams right and won money for it, so there.

So here we go, whether you're interested or not.

Western Conference

(1) Detroit Red Wings versus (8) Calgary Flames – A few years ago, I bet on the Flamers, then the #7 seed in the West, to make it to the Stanley Cup Finals (at 14-1 odds) and they did! This team is better than most 8-seeds you typically see, as they finished with 96 points and a 43-29-10 record. But Detroit was boringly, systematically good…again, finishing tops in the West with 113 points and a 50-19-13 record. They only lost once in their last ten games so they even have the whole, hot-at-the-right-time thing in their favor. Believe me, I really want to pick the Flames to upset the Wings in round one because I think Calgary is good – but Detroit lost to another eighth-seeded Alberta team in round one last year (the Oilers) and I don’t think they’ll let it happen again. Red Wings in 6.

(2) Anaheim Ducks versus (7) Minnesota Wild – The Ducks were the best team in the league for most of the first half, even staying ahead of the Sabres out East. They came back to the pack and ended up not evening winning their conference but it’s hard to see this team falling anytime early in the playoffs. With Chris Pronger and Scott Neidermayer on the blue line and Teemu Selanne up front (among others), they’re just too good. The Wild should be proud of their 100+ point season but the ride will end here. Ducks in 6.

(3) Vancouver Canucks versus (6) Dallas Stars – The Canucks were projected to be a pretty terrible team but Roberto Luongo has been amazing in goal. And that’s the reason they’re here. He won 47 games and just had a out-of-his-mind season. The Canucks also have the Sedin twins who provide offense but the Stars just feel like a team on a mission to me. I know that’s nondescript but this seems like one of those seasons where a team that’s been good in the past and is kind of overlooked storms back to surprise people. The Stars had a very good year in the talented West and actually wound up with 50 wins – usually good enough for a top seed. They actually have two more points than Vancouver (but the Canucks automatically get the higher seed because of winning their division) and are definitely a better team. Assuming goalie Marty Turco doesn’t melt down in the playoffs, the Stars are moving on. Stars in 6.

(4) Nashville Predators versus (5) San Jose Sharks – The Predators were a solid team last year and then lost their starting goalie, Tomas Vokoun right before the playoffs began. Chris Mason was good but not good enough. The Sharks have some fluid goaltending issues of their own to deal with but they also have Joe Thornton. This might be the best series of the first round and many are saying it’s critical to Nashville’s viability as a hockey city. I don’t know about that since this team had 110 points this year – if that’s not enough to make the city care, then they don’t deserve a franchise. And it’s not like the Predators are coming out of the West anyway. Sharks in 7.

Eastern Conference

(1) Buffalo Sabres versus (8) New York Islanders – The Isles snuck in with Wade Dubielewicz between the pipes. They had to win their final four games to slip in and pushed out clearly better teams in the Maple Leafs and Canadiens. And good for them – they now get the right to be absolutely flattened by the Sabres. Sure, there’s an interesting subplot in Isles coach Ted Nolan going against his former club but will that really matter? No chance. The Sabres are too good and if they do happen to smoke Dubie in the first game, where do the Islanders turn? There’s plenty I could analyze to amplify my point but it’s not even worth it. The Sabres will run over the Isles in a sweep. Sabres in 4.

(2) New Jersey Devils versus (7) Tampa Bay Lightning – As you probably know, I hate the Devils. And it starts at the top, with alien-looking GM Lou Lamoriello, who fired his coach, Claude Julien, with three games to go in the season and the 2-seed locked up. Why? Who the hell knows? Probably so he (Lou) could coach the team to what he sees as a chance for a Cup as coach. I hate him so much I can barely see straight. And I hope the Devils cohesiveness suffers as a result. Marty Brodeur was on talk radio on Tuesday and he even admitted it made little sense to him and the other players. The other thing working against the Devils is that they played Marty 78 of 82 games this season. I don’t understand how they think this makes sense for their 34-year-old goalie as we enter the toughest playoff grind of all the sports. Will he hold up for another two months and as many as 28 more games? That would be more than 100 games on the season. I say no way. But will he have enough to get out of the first round against the scrappy Lightning. I think so. Devils in 7.

(3) Atlanta Thrashers versus (6) New York Rangers – Well, we all know I’m biased and there’s no way you should consider my thoughts on this matchup sane. After all, last year I picked the Rangers to beat the Devils in seven games in the first round. I was delusional and swore then that I would make my predictions with what I really thought was going to happen. (And no, I really didn’t think the Rangers would win last year but went with my heart.) So what do I really think will happen? I think the Rangers should win. The Thrashers are a good team, no doubt, with Keith Tkachuk and Ilya Kovalchuk very dangerous up front and Kari Lehtonen between the pipes. But they’re rather inexperienced in the playoffs and Madison Square Garden can impact teams like that. The Rangers are flying right now, as opposed to last year’s terrible finish, with Jaromir Jagr and Henrik Lunqvist playing as well as they have all season. They have Brendan Shanahan back and other players on the defensive side, such as Fedor Tyutin, back from recent injuries. This team is extremely hungry and will not go so meekly this year. While last year’s sweep hurt, it was still acceptable to just have made it back to the playoffs. This year, I fully expect at least a trip to the second round. Rangers in 6.

(4) Ottawa Senators versus (5) Pittsburgh Penguins – This is another outstanding 4/5 matchup and probably the toughest pairing for me to decide on in the first round. I can see the Senators cleaning out the young Pens in a short series and I can also see the Penguins getting on a roll and totally rattling the Senators. The Sens have been labeled playoff chokers for years now and every story about the team seems to mention it and this has got to be getting into the players’ heads, too. The Penguins overachieved greatly this year, going from one of the worst teams in the league to a 105 point scoring machine. They also have some veteran leadership in the form of Mark Recchi, Sergei Gonchar and recent pickup Gary Roberts. However, all that said, the Pens seem to me to be one of those teams that racked up points against weaker teams and had trouble with the more solid teams. I think the Sens are able to withstand the youthful Pens and move on. The Pens will be incredible next year, though. Senators in 6.

Labels: me taking sports way too seriously, NHL, playoffs

Few people in my life understand how amped I get for the NHL Playoffs. I get even more boisterous when my Rangers are in them since it has only happened twice since 1997. And last year, the first time in nine springs that they'd made it, they were unceremoniously dumped by the Devils in four straight. Blech.

This year, they are actually playing well entering the playoffs so I'm even more excited. And I'm lucky to be marrying a woman later this year who puts up with my insanity around this team. Example? Well, we're out of town this coming weekend and before the schedules came out I was worried I might miss one of the Rangers home playoff games and she actually made a comment about me not coming with her because she felt bad for me missing a game. Now that's love and understanding. (Naturally, for the record, while the Rangers are very important to me, they're not more important than my future wife.)

So this blog may very well become a Rangers blog for the next couple of weeks. They're not playing the Devils in the first round this year, which is probably a good things. They're facing the Atlanta Thrashers and I plan to do my annual playoff prediction post very soon. You know, the one that none of my readers care about. Oh, I could post it over at our sister site, Boiled Sports, but my co-authors there wouldn't know a hockey puck from a hamburger and would bash me mercilessly.

So here is where you'll hear about it. All about it.

Labels: hamburgers, me taking sports way too seriously, playoffs, Rangers

So we spent this past weekend in Maine visiting Xtrosity and his lovely wife and on the way up there, my car was doing a nauseating shimmy-shaking thing all the way. I had diagnosed loose lug nuts and, in fact, found three of the five on my front left wheel to be loose enough for me to undo with my fingers. Nice. Well-done, Lynnes Nissan West of Stanhope, NJ. I had them swap out my winter tires for my summer ones last week and they obviously didn't finish the job correctly. Must have been distracted by a shiny object. Jackasses.

I assumed that the continued shimmy was the result of balance or alignment issues so we brought the car into a dealer on Saturday morning to have that checked out. I made the mistake of wearing my Yankees cap in New England.

The typical mouth-breathing putz behind the counter sees my Jersey plates and begins with, "Giants ohr Jets?"

"Giants," I immediately respond, knowing full-well Patriots fans hate the Jets.

"Probably shouldn't have worn that Yankees hat up here," X helpfully points out.

Mouth-breather begins again, "You know, the Yankees ahre my favorite ansuh to ah triviah question..."

"I know, the 3-0 blown lead in the 2004 playoffs, right?" I ask, hoping to head him off. I clearly stepped on his awesome joke and he sort of quieted for a minute and kept entering my info into his...compuhtah. But even though I'd headed him off, he still wanted to put his Yankee-hatred out there.

"Yeah...who ahre the biggest choke ahtists of awl time?"

I bit my tongue and didn't point out that if the Yankees were chokers, then does that mean the Red Sawx didn't earn that win? I don't know. All I said was that he had access to my brake lines that day so I would remain quiet. He smirked. But he chose not to remain silent.

"Yeah, I figuah that makes up for at least ten of those twenty-six World Series," he concluded.

Yes, you keep telling yourselves that.

Labels: bent wheels, morons, pahk the cah in hahvad yahd

Because, you know, maybe that would explain the letter I got in the mail this week. If you're not familiar with it, AARP is the American Association for Retired Persons. It is for people over the age of fifty and is devoted to "enhancing quality of life for all as we age" and "leading positive social change and delivering value to people age 50."

Terrific.

This week, I got the following letter (as usual, the real text is in italics, followed by my incisive wit):

Dear J Money,

For the record, they actually have my real name. First and last. This is odd. Maybe they want me to donate to the old people, seeing as how my own parents are eligible. A smart tactic, really.

Our records show you haven't yet registered for the benefits of AARP membership,

Well, of course I haven't. I'm 31 years old.

even though you are fully eligible.

Wait, what? I am? How long was I asleep? What year is it?

If you have already sent in your registration, please excuse this notice.

This notice that just unceremoniously aged me by 19 years.

If not, I urge you to register now so you may start enjoying AARP benefits and services with no further delay.

Like discounted movies? Cheaper bus tickets?

As a member, you'll have the resources and information you need to get the most out of life over 50.

Fantastic. I can't wait to enjoy life over fifty. In twenty years. Idiots.

It says other things but I'm not interested in transcribing them. On the back are 22 benefits of being an AARP member, including:

AARP representing member interests by confronting age discrimination be employers

Reasonably priced long-term care insurance

Really long term in my case.

An AARP safe driving course.

I know how to shut off my blinkers, thank you. (My problem is actually turning them on in the first place.)

Save on shoes, gifts, videos, other products.

What? I'm struggling to understand how those are related. Shoes, gifts, videos, other products. Like what? Aluminum baseball bats, light bulbs, dental floss, karaoke machines, diapers and hamburgers? They're about as related.

With the letter was a card with my name imprinted on it and everything. I can register for one year for just $12.50. I'm seriously tempted to do it. But then they'll forever think I'm over 50 and I won't be able to get rid of them. Imagine how they're write letters to me in 30 years when I'm actually 61 but they think I'm 80+.

Labels: AARP, aluminum baseball bats, senile fact-checkers

One of the many, endless tasks of prepping for a wedding is booking the transportation. Now, some people endorse the growing trend of having their entire wedding in one place. That is, they have the ceremony in one room and then everyone walks across the hall and into the bar and the cocktail hour commences. This is a good way to keep those who are easily distracted a little more focused. It also lessens the likliehood of Uncle Marv getting lost on his way from Queens and missing part of the event. (Although, I suppose, if he does get lost and miss something, it's going to be the entire thing.)

Well, we're going the more traditional route and we're having the ceremony at a church, then we're heading somewhere scenic for pictures (sadly, not Yankee Stadium) and then we're moving along to the reception hall. What this basically means is that we need to transport the wedding party and parents, at the very least, to all of these locations. And we need to do it in style. The minivan is generally not considered acceptable.

So we began looking into limo companies a long, long time ago and only recently decided that we knew who we wanted to use. So I perused their Website and, well, there are some photos on there that I just have to poke some fun at. I mean, they're priceless and they're just asking to be mocked.

Under the heading, "Corporate Meetings and Conventions," we have the following pic:


I'm thinking that the older guy is the clueless CEO and the guy on the right is the numbers guy and the older guy is saying, "Just make that negative number a positive number and we're golden."

Either that or the guy on the right is saying, "Annnnnd, presto, there's my porn collection. Alt-Tab comes in very handy during shareholder meetings," while the CEO is saying, "Wait, is that my wife?"

Next up, we have the photo under the heading "Airport Transfers":


I love this picture. We'll not only take you to the airport... we'll drive you practically into the fucking plane! Don't even think of leaving without my passenger or I'll run you off the damn runway!

But there is no doubt that my favorite is this next one, under the heading "Bachelor/Bachelorette":


I'm not sure if maybe that heading meant to have "party" after it or maybe it's kind of a question of sorts. Like... can you determine the gender here?

We have two dudes, ostensibly, sitting on what appears to be a red loveseat. They're wearing black pants with white sport coats and garish shirts, onle of which appears to be open to his navel. I feel like this is what Sigfried and Roy would have looked like 40 years ago. To top it off, it looks like they're painting the town red while drinking....appletinis?? You two are wild, wild boys. And bad boys, I imagine, too. Bad, bad boys.

Labels: inappropriate appletini usage, limos, questionable sexual preferences

I've made it a habit now to predict how Major League Baseball's standings will shake out each year. It's a silly thing to do, predicting sports, since rarely is anyone right about much. However, last year I did get the American League East completely correct, naming Boston to finish third (as they did). Ha.

So anyway, it's time for the 2007 edition. It's almost time for the season so I don't have time to dick around. So here you go:

National League East -- Everyone's saying that the Nationals are going to be one of the worst teams in a long time. Many of these same experts absolutely love the Phillies. I think the Phillies will be the same as always: disappointing. The Mets are doing their best to become the oldest team in baseball, signing 40 year old Moises Alou and having two fortysomethings as their top two starters (Glavine and El Duque). Still, the Mets offense and quality bullpen should be enough to have them win 90+ games for the second straight year. I don't, however, think they are built anywhere near well enough to make a serious title run. Mets fans point to being in Game 7 of the NLCS last year. And to that I say, yeah, but you lost that Game 7 (to an 83-win team) and I'm really not sure how the Mets would have fared against the far more prepared Tigers (the Mets were basically out of healthy pitchers). Anyway, I think the Braves are going to come storming back and challenge the Mets for the division. However, there's a good chance Andruw Jones could be traded at midseason since there's no way the Braves will be able to re-sign him next year. If they do trade him, all bets are off. But if they keep him, I see the Braves regaining their NL East crown. It'll go Braves, Mets, Marlins, Phillies, Nationals.

National League Central -- The Cardinals of 2006 were unquestionably the worst team to ever win the World Series. They barely made the playoffs, they only won 83 games, their pitching was a shambles, and they had piss-poor offense. Yet, somehow, they strung together a month of outstanding, clutch, top-of-their-game baseball and beat the teams in their way to win it all. Good for them. And let me just tell you: it was an aberration. The Cards won't even make the playoffs this season. The Brew Crew, who I have been high on for the past couple of years, are ready to break through. I think the Astros window has closed and Roger Clemens isn't going back there. The Cubs are kidding themselves with Lou Pinella, the Reds are plain average and the Pirates are the Pirates. This is still a weak and sad division but the one bright light will be the youthful, up-and-coming Brewers. The division will go Brewers, Cardinals, Pirates, Reds, Astros, Cubs.

National League West -- Another somewhat stinky division. Barry Bonds will break Hank Aaron's career homers mark this season, probably in May, and the Giants will slog their way through another season with their aging players plus Barry Zito, one of the most overrated pitchers ever. And now overpaid, too. Zito will go 14-16 or something like that and the Giants will be runners-up to the only decent team in the division, the Padres. The Dodgers and Diamondbacks will be competitive but ultimately irrelevant and the Rockies... well, the Rockies have a chance to be good soon but it's become hard to convince anybody that a team can win at altitude, no matter how little the actual effect might be. The effect in players' (especially pitchers') heads is immeasurable. The West will go Padres, Giants, Dodgers, D-Backs, Rockies.

American League East -- Ho-hum. Another division title for the Yankees. And, unless something changes, another early playoff exit against a team with better, healthier, young pitching. It seems so simple to me so I don't understand why the Yankees aren't addressing it. Still, Phil Hughes will be up this year and the future is bright with him and Wang anchoring the rotation for a while. We'll see if Igawa is worth what the Yankees paid. I don't think he will be. Boston is everyone's favorite team to slurp nuts on right now but I don't think they have the horses. They're good offensively but Schilling is old, Beckett is always hurt, and Matsuzaka (whose nickname, "Dice-K," I'm convinced was created simply because inbred, retarded New Englanders would never be able to learn his real first name) is overrated (and doesn't have eight pitches -- stop believing that crap). Baltimore is better but still not in the top two's category. The Jays are consistently improving and chipping away at the hierarchy in this division. Last year they finished second and look to be continuing to improve. And the Devil Rays, well, they'll be exciting offensively and will have a chance to win at least every five days with Scott Kazmir as their ace. Still, I don't see much changing from last year. The AL East will look like Yankees, Blue Jays, Red Sox, Orioles, Devil Rays.

American League Central -- What a tough division to pick. Every team is a threat to go to the postseason besides the poor Royals. I think the Twins were amazing last year, sneaking into the division title when the Tigers blew it on the last day of the season. That said, I don't think they can do it again. I'm also not as high on Detroit as so many people are (including Peter Gammons). I think this is finally the year Cleveland makes their breakthrough after winning 93 games two years ago and then taking a huge step back last season. I think this year is where they put it together and Rick Vaughn takes them into the playoffs. I also think the White Sox overachieved beyond belief in 2005 and Ozzie Guillen is no where near the manager that people think he is. They'll take the biggest fall from grace. The AL Central will go Indians, Tigers, Twins, White Sox, Royals.

American League West -- What is it with West divisions sucking? The AL West isn't a whole lot more compelling than the NL West. Texas stinks, Seattle stinks, and Oakland lost yet another component of their team when Zito left town. However, as I said earlier, Zito was vastly overrated and the A's have enough to compete. Still, I don't see how the Angels can lose this division given the talent they have. They and Oakland seem to trade the division back and forth and I think this year it's LA's turn. It'll go Angels, A's, Rangers, Mariners.

I say the NL Wild Card will be the Mets and the AL Wild Card will be the Tiggers.

And if I have to make a World Series predicition, I'll go with the Indians over the Brewers. Why the hell not.

Labels: me taking sports way too seriously, MLB, predictions